


i loved you, i thought you knew

by Percyjacksonfan3



Series: in the orchard [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bilbo's POV, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Thorin Is an Idiot, We're all gluttons for punishment here, the Company are all one big family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29118762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percyjacksonfan3/pseuds/Percyjacksonfan3
Summary: A collection of scenes from the first fic in this series but this time they're from Bilbo's point of view instead of Thorin's. Beginning with their breakup and going forward from there, this is a fic of extras for the 'in the orchard' series.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Series: in the orchard [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990261
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	i loved you, i thought you knew

**Author's Note:**

> By popular demand, here is the first of many scenes from or set during 'i wouldn't have danced like that with any but you' from Bilbo's perspective. Most of these are based off of requests from readers but some are extras I've thought to include myself.
> 
> (They will probably end up not being in chronological order)
> 
> Fic title is a line from Muriel Stuart's poem in the orchard. Chapter title is from the song by Taylor Swift because I basically listened to it on repeat while writing this.

The worst part of it all is that Bilbo knew something was wrong.

Ever since Thorin’s meeting with Hugin yesterday the Dwarf has been avoiding him. The king had met with his advisor and Bilbo knew they had discussed Bilbo being in Erebor and his courtship with Thorin. And ever since that meeting the Dwarf King been withdrawn.

And Bilbo has seen that but…

…but he thought it would blow over, whatever it was. He had thought, stupidly, that this was just Thorin being Thorin. It’s what the Dwarf does. He gets upset, and sometimes he sulks, and he takes everything upon himself to sort out. That’s just the way he is. And though Bilbo has been trying to help with that, trying to make Thorin understand that he doesn’t have to shoulder every single little thing alone (and thought he’d been succeeding in said mission), changes like that take time. Bilbo knows that too. He’s working on things for Thorin as well and it’s hard, sometimes, to break habits that have formed over a lifetime.

So he has left it alone, at least for the time being.

Simply, Bilbo had assumed it was nothing important. If it was, and especially if it was about him, then Thorin would know to come to him so they could work it out together. Thorin trusts him and loves him and Bilbo had been sure that they had reached a place where Thorin felt comfortable coming to him with the big things. Anything else… well. Maybe it was something Thorin preferred to handle alone.

Bilbo had backed away. Thorin would come to him when he was ready, he always did now, and Bilbo would just give him the space he obviously needed until that time came. It had only been a day so far, and that wasn’t so bad in the grand scheme of things. And in the meantime, Bilbo would do what he could to handle his own growing duties and responsibilities in Erebor, would talk to the others of the Company, and make sure that Thorin knew he was there whenever the Dwarf needed him.

That’s what Bilbo had thought.

(But even though that’s what he’d decided, it had still gnawed away at him. Thorin’s unhappiness was plain to see, and Bilbo was having trouble not asking again what was bothering him. He’d been shut down firmly when he had before and Thorin gave no sign this was something he wanted to talk to Bilbo about right now.)

And now this is the result.

Bilbo had _seen_ it. He’d seen the tortured look in Thorin’s eyes whenever Bilbo caught him looking as they supped together the night of his meeting (after Bilbo forced Thorin to agree to eat with him). Heard the obvious lie in his mutters of ‘nothing’ when Bilbo asked what was wrong. Whatever was bothering him obviously wasn’t something trivial as Bilbo had hoped. Bilbo had known it was something unusual that was truly bothering Thorin and he had simply allowed Thorin to push him away. He had waited until Thorin wanted to come to him.

He had noticed and he had done nothing and now- now he was being punished with this.

With Thorin bursting through the doors to their quarters and surprising Bilbo. He has been reading a book in his favourite armchair by the fire in an effort to take his mind off of things and give himself something to do. But any hope of that vanishes as soon as the Dwarf comes through the door.

Thorin’s face is fierce, and Bilbo looks up at him from his reading on the history of Dale and hesitantly takes stock of the situation.

There are bags under his lover’s eyes and his hands are clenched fists at his sides. It’s clear something is very wrong, obvious that Thorin hasn’t slept at all (Bilbo hadn’t been sure earlier, but he had noticed the Dwarf hadn’t come to bed last night) and Bilbo’s mind immediately begins to work at trying to figure out what it can be. What can be so awful it takes such a sudden appearance and all of this.

Even before Thorin speaks Bilbo feels a tense frailness enter the air, one he can’t remember feeling between them for a very, very long time.

“I think it’s time you go back to the Shire.”

And Bilbo- Bilbo is so caught off guard that all he can do is stare. His half-formed suspicions flee, and his brain rejects Thorin’s words even as his own mouth moves.

“What?”

Because out of everything he had feared Thorin would say, anything from Fíli and Kíli destroying part of the mountain to telling Bilbo they would have to hide or slow down their courtship, this is not one of them.

“There’s nothing left for you to do here.” The words are blunt and heavy and Thorin comes to a stop in the middle of the room. Bilbo notes the distance between them keenly and suddenly feels very small sitting in the armchair while Thorin stands staring at him. “Don’t you miss your home? I know you think of it often. It’s about time you leave and go back there.”

It takes him a moment to realize what Thorin is saying. The words are so out of nowhere that Bilbo genuinely doesn’t understand.

Yes, he thinks of the Shire, which he has told Thorin in their quieter moments, but he has no wish to return anytime soon to gather his things. There is still so much to do here mere weeks after the Battle. The Shire can wait a bit longer.

Which Thorin knows, for he has been the one convincing Bilbo to remain in Erebor for as long as possible before going to gather his things and settle his affairs.

Besides. His home?

Bilbo’s home is Erebor. Thorin had- it has been Thorin who convinced him of that.

“Go home? But- Thorin, I am-”

“The Shire is your home. Not Erebor.”

The words hurt but Bilbo makes sure not to show it. That can be dealt with later. Right now he needs to get to the bottom of what could possibly be going on.

“Thorin.” Bilbo makes an effort to be patient. He’s about to understand what Thorin’s mood has been about for the past day, and though whatever it is sounds foolish- the Shire? Bilbo thinks again, unable to fathom why it is suddenly an issue. They’ve already discussed that, Thorin has asked Bilbo to remain in Erebor. They’re courting for Yavanna’s sake- Bilbo is determined to get to the bottom of the foolishness and get this situation dealt with.

“What are you talking about? What on Middle Earth are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying you need to leave. You don’t belong in the mountain.”

It’s cold and harsh and Bilbo’s hands drop with the papers he’s holding to his lap. His fingers grip the pages so hard it makes them crinkle and crease. For a moment something chilling runs down his spine before he pushes it back and set the book on the desk to get up and go towards Thorin.

He’s growing worried now, and a tight feeling is forming in his stomach as he grows suspicious.

“Where’s this coming from?”

“I’ve realized that enough is enough.” Thorin’s tone is firm and halts Bilbo’s train of thought, any trace of Hugin fading away. “I’m bored and you’ve stayed for too long. It’s time for Erebor to be rebuilt and to return to normal. A Hobbit living within its walls will not accomplish that.”

Bilbo’s anger sparks briefly. “Excuse me?”

It is a demand, but it sounds weak to his own ears. Thorin is looking at him in a way Bilbo has never seen before- even on the first weeks of their quest, when Bilbo had been certain Thorin absolutely despised him, Thorin had not looked at him like this. Like Bilbo is barely worth his notice, barely worth sparing a second for. His expression lacks irritation or anger, it is just… empty.

And what he’s saying, about Bilbo not belonging in Erebor… he can’t mean it, Bilbo tells himself, but there is a niggling doubt in the back of his mind.

It’s not as if the Dwarves had welcomed him with open arms. Yavanna knows Bilbo is aware of what even the Company had used to think of him, back in the beginning of their quest. He knows that before everything with Smaug and the Battle him staying here would have been unfathomable. Knows that the only reason he is probably still permitted to remain is because of his relationship with Thorin. But he thought that Thorin and the others were helping him to change that. That Bilbo was carving out a spot for himself in Erebor among the other Dwarves, no matter how hard it was or how long it took, and that they accepted that. More than that, he’d thought the Company were all encouraging it. Thorin more than anyone.

They were courting for Eru’s sake, how much more explicit could an invitation be?

But apparently something has gone wrong, a mistake has been made, and there is a horrible creeping doubt welling up inside Bilbo that it has been his.

Thorin’s next words make him flinch.

“You were a good bed-mate, Burglar. And a valuable asset on the quest, something none could deny. Believe me, all of us were surprised, me most of all. But the quest is over, and it is time that you returned home. To where you belong.”

Bilbo feel like everything he’s ever known has suddenly been revealed as a lie. Something in his very core comes loose and he feels untethered, lost amidst a storm.

“But…” Bilbo wishes he didn’t sound as shattered as he feels, but he can’t help it. He’s confused and hurt, and suspicious, and he has no qualms about letting Thorin see that. He is not above appearing stupid, not if it means dragging out an explanation and saving what he and Thorin have. “But you said…”

Because Thorin can’t mean the things he’s saying, Bilbo thinks as he stares desperately up at him, taking in the icy blankness of his expression. All that has passed between them, every touch and every word… Bilbo is no fool. He knows what they meant. They are not mere bed-mates. The term alone makes Bilbo internally recoil.

It is an insult to what they are, to call them that. As if Bilbo is no better than any other warm body for Thorin to please himself with, where in truth what is between them- what they have…

Bilbo has never known its equal before. He had not supposed such feelings to be possible. In every book and poem he has read, he has not encountered even a pale imitation of what is between him and Thorin.

And now Thorin is trying to dimmish that?

No.

He struggles to find the words that will say what he wants and ask the questions that need asked. Thorin does nothing but wait, watching him with no sign of understanding or caring. He even raises one eyebrow as if Bilbo is being particularly tiresome in taking so long.

When the Dwarf speaks, his tone is colder than Bilbo has ever heard it. “Yes?”

Bilbo finds what he seeks, finally. The words are small and pathetic in the face of Thorin, who is so unaffected and unbothered, but they are the best Bilbo can scrape up in the face of this heartbreak that has taken him so completely by surprise.

He cannot believe it. And yet Thorin looks as serious as ever.

Bilbo aches.

“You said you loved me.” Bilbo says, still sounding weaker than he would like, but finding the strength to look up at the Dwarf. It would almost be in challenge if Bilbo didn’t feel so pathetically vulnerable. Still, he soldiers on, knowing that in this point, at least, he is right. “Dwarves don’t lie about that.”

But Thorin says, “what do you know of Dwarves?”

And Bilbo’s confidence crumbles. Thorin could have hit him and it would have done less damage.

There it is. He is wrong again. Suddenly Bilbo is thrust back to the memories of the first weeks of their acquaintance, back when he would make numerous blunders every day, simply because he did not understand his companions and their strange Dwarvish ways. Those moments still happen sometimes, but now he has gotten so used to Thorin being at his side to gently guide him through them that they are almost unnoticeable. Besides, they have become so rare that Bilbo had begun to grow confident in asserting himself in unfamiliar Dwarvish situations.

It seems he has not learned as much as he’d thought. In fact, though he had almost felt that he was becoming one of them, it is abundantly clear that he was wrong.

“More than that,” the Dwarf continues, sounding as if he can barely be bothered to lower himself to explain further, “when did I ever say I felt that way for you?”

“I…” Bilbo begins instinctively but he has to trail off.

Because he remembers every moment he’s shared with Thorin. Everything that has passed between them, the harsh words and then the kind. And though Thorin has been loving, yes, and offered to court him, and begged that Bilbo stay, and offered gifts, though he has whispered his secrets and fears in Bilbo’s ear and given his body completely over to Bilbo’s mercy, Bilbo cannot ever remember Thorin telling him that he loves him.

He had explained Ones to him, but he had never said Bilbo was his, not explicitly in so many words. Though at the time Bilbo had gotten the impression… He had been sure Thorin had meant that Bilbo was his own. His One. He hadn’t needed those specific words to know so.

The realization makes him frown.

Has Bilbo just been misreading everything this entire time? Has he been deluding himself and projecting his own feelings onto the Dwarf?

But it is then he sees a flicker in Thorin’s eyes, something there, something familiar that Bilbo usually only sees in the privacy of their bedroom in their closest and more intimate moments, and his confidence nudges back in. Just enough to help him stare back at Thorin in resolve.

_Tell me,_ he wants to say. _What’s wrong? What can I do? How can we fix it?_

_Tell me you don’t mean it and that you love me. Tell me what I already know._

“You do. I know you do. You might not have used the word love, but you certainly meant it.”

But whatever had briefly reappeared in Thorin is gone at Bilbo’s words, and whatever certainty Bilbo had regained flees.

“I apologize for giving you that impression.”

Bilbo flinches.

No.

It can’t be. It can’t all be a lie.

But Thorin’s voice is still cold and devoid of anything. Empty. There is not a single sign of regret or unwillingness in him. No hint of a lie or that he is being forced to say these things.

“It was not my intention to lead you astray. I thought you knew what this was.”

“What this _was_?”

Bilbo finally finds sharpness on his tongue because- no, this cannot happen. He refuses to allow everything they have to just be crushed and forgotten as easy as this. They deserve more, Bilbo deserves more, and he knows something is wrong. This isn’t Thorin, this isn’t how he behaves, not with Bilbo. After everything they’ve been through Thorin does not think so little of him to treat him like this.

“Thorin, talk to me, tell me what’s really going on, where is this coming from? You wouldn’t just-”

“I have told you. This,” Thorin gestures between them as if their relationship can be encompassed in so simple a gesture, “is over. This is where it ends. I need to marry, which means it’s time for me to seek out my One.”

Bilbo stops.

The words and their intent are unmistakable now. Thorin is ending things between them. He wants to find the person he will spend the rest of his life with; and that person, it appears, is not Bilbo.

His initial doubt returns. Thorin is right. Bilbo isn’t a Dwarf. He doesn’t know or understand a lot of their ways and customs, though he is trying so, _so_ hard to learn, and though Thorin has explained the concept of Ones to him Bilbo still has so many questions that he burns to have answered about it.

Is this how it works? Does a sudden passion come over the Dwarves that completely overpowers everything else they feel? Even as powerful of a love as what is between Thorin and Bilbo, has that all been erased on Thorin’s side because he feels the need to find his Dwarvish soulmate?

Bilbo is just so lost. He doesn’t know and he hates not knowing. He especially hates it when it comes to Thorin, if only because it is so rare that it happens these days.

But in this moment Thorin is a mystery to him. He takes in the Dwarf and finds no warmth there, no sign of friendship or even a bit of caring. The sudden and complete lack of affection is startling and it shakes Bilbo.

It is as if Bilbo is no more than a stranger in his home that Thorin is finally getting around to ridding himself of.

“I can’t waste my time with dalliances anymore. Our courting was a way to while away the time, a passing fancy. I need to think of Erebor and stop pretending this is real. Especially with one who is a Hobbit.”

_Stop pretending this is real._

The words lodge in his brain. Is that what this has been for Thorin? Pretend? Has he been putting on a show and forcing himself to act a certain way? For what? To hurt him?

But no, Thorin has just said. _To pass the time._

Bilbo is unmoored.

But though Bilbo is stunned, though he is nowhere near able to process what is happening between Thorin and himself, he is still in control of himself enough to get angry at the insult to his people. For a moment Thorin’s other words are pushed aside, undoubtedly Bilbo will obsess over them at a later time, but right now his irritation at Thorin’s condescension for Hobbits is easier to focus on.

He’d thought Thorin was past all of that. Bilbo thought the prejudices and preconceptions and disdain for other races was no longer an issue.

He thought if nothing else he’d at least changed Thorin’s opinion about Bilbo’s people.

It is becoming increasingly apparent to Bilbo that he has been wrong. In so many things.

“I’ll give you enough time to take that back and tell me what’s actually happening before I allow myself to get upset with you.”

Now his own words are cold but Bilbo doesn’t care. It is all he can manage in the face of this, because if the words were not cold they would be broken. If Thorin doesn’t listen to pleading then perhaps he’ll listen to Bilbo now. If Bilbo’s hurt and heartbreak don’t sway the king than maybe his anger will.

“You need it put simply?” Thorin retorts, as if Bilbo is a child and this is a matter no more important than what they are planning to have for dinner. “Fine, I will say this in the only way I know you’ll understand. I don’t love you. I don’t want you here. You’re hurting the monarchy and I need you to leave and go back to the Shire. I want you to leave. There’s nothing for you here, Burglar. Your job is done. This is a Dwarven stronghold and we have no intention of permanently housing a Hobbit.”

Bilbo cannot speak.

His tongue won’t move. And even if it could, his brain is in no state to instruct it on what to say.

There are no magic words to make this better. No riddles or compliments he can come up with to stall for time and come out victorious.

No. Thorin is being perfectly clear.

Bilbo does not belong. Whatever notions he had come up with of him being a true member of the Company, a friend and perhaps even a loved one as they are to him, that is untrue. Bilbo is different. He is a Hobbit, he always will be and he cannot change the fact. He would not even if he could.

Though for a moment he might have. He would do anything to stay here in Erebor.

Bilbo does not fit in and he is not wanted. He was brought here for a purpose and that purpose is over. Now he is only overstaying his welcome.

Thorin’s words from after the Battle ring in his ears, so heartfelt the memory of them make Bilbo’s breath catch.

_“I want you by my side, always. I don’t want you to go back to the Shire. I would like you to stay here in Erebor with all of us. With me.”_

He had been invited to remain by the monarch but now it seems Thorin has changed his mind. Perhaps he has grown tired of him. Maybe their weeks of being together in a time of peace has not been what Thorin envisioned and he no longer wants to pretend he is happy.

Thorin cannot make it any more obvious. He could not say he loves Bilbo, even that night when he had asked Bilbo to remain, but he has no problem saying he doesn’t. That alone is enough to murder any of Bilbo’s last doubts or lingering hopes.

Because Thorin is not a liar. He is many things, but Bilbo has never known him to hide the truth. Thorin’s pride would not allow it.

“You can take the reward promised to you from the treasury and say your goodbyes. I would prefer it, Master Baggins, if you were gone within a fortnight.”

The suggestion is insulting to him, but Bilbo pushes past it easily, far more concerned with other issues at the moment.

“Don’t do this.” Bilbo forces it out, and though he means for it to be strong, the whisper is weak and he is looking down at the floor. He is practically pleading.

But looking at Thorin is painful. The obvious lack of love and warmth that Bilbo has gotten so used to seeing from him is hurting the Hobbit almost as much as Thorin’s words are.

Yet if he is going to fight for them, the least he must do is find the strength to raise his head and not allow Thorin to hide. He will not allow him to do this without forcing him to witness what it does to Bilbo. Bilbo is not so easily swayed, he is stubborn when it matters to him, and he tries one last time to get through to Thorin or find some hint that what the Dwarf is saying isn’t true.

“Whatever this is, whoever is making you do this, don’t. Don’t push me away.”

Again for a moment he thinks something flickers there on Thorin’s face. A weakness of some kind that is gone too quickly for Bilbo to identify and take hold of to use.

“Away?” Thorin asks and he sounds almost amused, as if Bilbo is being ridiculous or fantastical. As if Bilbo truly has been deluding himself this entire time and Thorin has finally put up with him for long enough. “Master Baggins, you have never been anywhere close to me. Now I do apologize for allowing this miscommunication to go on, I can assure you I had no idea. I thought you realized from the beginning what was between us. That was my mistake.”

Thorin straightens his shoulders, obviously ready for the conversation to be over. He seems absolutely and completely fine.

Bilbo is frozen to the spot. The last of his strength disappears.

“I will likely be too busy to see you off in the coming week and think it would be best if we said our goodbyes now.”

The Dwarf sticks out a hand, obviously with the intent of Bilbo taking it to shake it, but Bilbo can only stare.

Shake on this? As if Bilbo agrees? As if he understands what is happening and is a willing participant?

Thorin is acting as if he has not unrooted Bilbo’s entire world with this one conversation. Bilbo feels smaller and more lost than he is sure anyone else in history ever has, but Thorin is watching him expectantly, as if waiting for him to smile and nod and agree that this is all perfectly okay.

Well it’s not. It’s not okay.

Bilbo does not recognize the hand that is being held out to him. It is a hand that has caressed his own skin tenderly, a hand that has patched Bilbo’s wounds, one that Bilbo has taken hold of and kissed softly in an effort to pour all of his love for Thorin into the Dwarf’s very skin. But now it is a foreign thing and he refuses to touch it.

Eventually, as he inevitably has to, Thorin lets his hand fall and hides it in the folds of his cloak. Bilbo watches it for a moment before dragging his gaze up to meet that of Thorin’s blue eyes.

The Dwarf clears his throat. Bilbo’s feels too thick to do even that.

“Very well. I wish you safe travels, Master Burglar. If you ever return you will always be welcome within our gates to visit, though I suppose the possibility of that happening is rare.”

He bows his head. Bilbo’s heart rises in his throat and he aches, he begs, he prays that Thorin will not say it.

_Please_. He says silently in his own head. _Please don’t._

“Farewell.”

Bilbo’s eyes slide shut in defeat.

Thorin goes to leave.

But Bilbo cannot allow that to be it. No matter what Thorin says, or how he apparently feels, Bilbo does not agree. Bilbo has not been living a lie or playing a part. And he needs Thorin to know, in case this is the last time they ever see one another again (and it can’t, it _can’t_ be), that Bilbo _did_ mean it all. That he still does.

“I love you.” He says, and Thorin freezes in the open door, his back still turned. A sob begins to build in Bilbo’s throat, one borne of heartbreak and hurt and desperation.

“Even if it wasn’t real for you,” he hesitates only a moment in the hope that Thorin will deny it. He doesn’t. “It was to me.”

It is a few moments before Thorin answers. Long enough that Bilbo’s hopes begin to rise once more.

This has all been a mistake. Some ploy, on someone else’s part, and now Thorin has realized how foolish this is, how wrong, and he will turn around and tell Bilbo everything, and Bilbo will be upset but forgive him, and together they can work everything out and return to the way things were, stronger than ever…

But Thorin does not turn. And when he speaks his voice is empty.

“Then for that you have my deepest apologies.”

He leaves then, without looking back, and Bilbo can hold it back no longer. The strangled sob escapes him right before the door closes, and the image of Thorin striding hurriedly away is closed off from him forever.

Bilbo falls right there on the spot, not even feeling the stone floor as he hits it. He is far too busy trying to survive his own heartbreak as he cries harder than he has since his parents died.

He is reeling. Everything he has come to know these past few months has suddenly been upended and his very confidence is shaken at the root.

It’s not possible for him to have been so wrong about so many things, is it? For him to have gone so long living in a fairy-tale that apparently nobody else is a part of?

He tries to tell himself the answer is no, that he is no simpleton and not delusional, but already his insecurities are coming to the forefront to shake his resolve. The Dwarves hadn’t liked him much in the beginning of their quest, he knows that for a fact, it had been no secret. Though Bofur and Balin and the boys had been nice to him on occasion in those early days, to Bilbo it seemed things had only truly changed after the Carrock when Thorin had accepted him. Maybe Bilbo had taken everything since then out of proportion, and it really was a lie. Maybe since the Battle the Company had just been following their king’s lead, as they so often did.

They had on the Ramparts in siding with Thorin against Bilbo after all. Though they hadn’t gone so far as to follow his orders to kill Bilbo themselves, they hadn’t spoken up in Bilbo’s defense either. Or made any great effort to physically stop Thorin in the height of his madness.

They have all apologized to Bilbo since, apologies that he has accepted. Emotions were fraught that day and things had happened so quickly, he had understood. But now, after Thorin’s words he is beginning to wonder…

(Before Thorin had woken they hadn’t let Bilbo in his healing tent to see him. And while that had all been explained as being unsure of Thorin’s reception to Bilbo being allowed in, and Bilbo had believed them, now he wonders if it wasn’t distrust of Bilbo that had been the true reason for it.)

Has it truly all been a lie? A fantasy that Bilbo has woven to bring himself comfort and make him feel as if he finally had a place he belonged, when really the truth is far from it?

Replaying everything they’ve all been through make it seem impossible. But those little moments, those tiny details… there are just enough of them to make Bilbo begin to think Thorin might not be lying.

Thorin really has never told Bilbo he loves him, after all. And like Bilbo had said, Dwarves don’t lie about that. Surely if it was true Thorin would have said so at some point. Bilbo certainly has. The opportunities had been there.

Bilbo takes a deep heaving breath, and then another, trying to get some clean air into his lungs. He feels enclosed, constricted, and suddenly he knows he needs to get out of this room. Out of this damn mountain.

Without pausing his hand slips into his pocket to slide his golden ring onto his finger. Immediately the world goes black and white and Bilbo wipes the wetness on his face, sniffles quickly, and escapes out of the room.

At first he’s not sure where he’s going. In all honesty he doesn’t have a specific destination in mind. For a moment he thinks he may go visit Bofur but instantly shies away from that. He needs to be alone right now and besides, his head is too much of a confused mess for him to see any of the Company.

He’s scared that if he does everything Thorin has said will be proven right. Bilbo doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle that. Not now and not ever.

It would be better to spend the rest of his days doubting than to have it confirmed that the people Bilbo has come to consider his family care so little about him in return.

Instead he heads away from the hallway where the members of the Company stay and goes down. Truthfully he can barely think at all and wanders aimlessly, making sure to stay quiet to avoid being noticed despite his invisibility, until he finds himself in a slightly out of the way hallway where the air begins to change.

It becomes lighter somehow. Fresher. And Bilbo knows instantly he’s discovered a passage out of the mountain.

He doesn’t hesitate. Bilbo goes forward quickly, hurrying when he sees the beginning of sunlight, until he comes out onto an open clearing.

For a moment his breath catches. The sun is shining down, Bilbo feels it even through the cool feeling that grips him when he wears the ring. Seeing that nobody is around he slides the ring off and puts it back in his pocket to bask in the full warmth of the sun.

Winter is nearly here at Erebor but today is a rare nice day. There is a small wind, but it almost seems to caress Bilbo’s face as it breezes past, as if even the weather knows the smallest thing could break Bilbo completely right now and is treating him gentler for it.

He moves out further. There are stray bits of soil and weeds here and there but mostly the clearing is hard stone beneath his feet. The sight of Dale sitting innocently far below grabs his attention and Bilbo goes nearer to the clearing’s edge, where it begins to slope sharply down to meet the ground.

The noises of the city don’t even reach his ears. That may be because he is too high up, or because the wind and position block them out, but Bilbo thinks it is more likely due to the roaring that has been in his ears since Thorin left him.

Thorin.

Bilbo closes his eyes and takes in a trembling breath.

What is he going to do now?

It seems impossible to think about anything with any kind of logic, but Bilbo is not one to wallow. Especially not now when he feels so vulnerable. No, he needs to think things through and come up with some kind of plan.

His relationship with Thorin is over. He swallows and thinks he actually tastes the bitterness of the thought on his tongue. Fine. Again, the full impact of that will probably hit him later, but for the moment he is all cried out and tries to think of what that means without emotion clouding his judgement.

Though he and Thorin are no longer courting, that doesn’t mean Bilbo has to leave. Thorin has asked him to, but Bilbo isn’t too concerned with Thorin’s opinions at the moment, so the Dwarf King can shove what he wants. Bilbo isn’t about to just roll over and let Thorin boss him around and get whatever he wants just because he’s reverted to his old demanding self.

No.

Erebor is Bilbo’s home now. At least he’d thought it was. It’s claimed a special place in Bilbo’s heart that not even the Shire has managed, and Bilbo had realized a while ago that if he had to choose between them both that he would choose Erebor.

But before that choice had always included Thorin.

And not just Thorin, but the others in the Company too. Maybe they don’t feel as strongly about Bilbo being here as Thorin does, but it’s clear Bilbo needs to re-evaluate some things. He’s come to think of them all as a unit, a family that wouldn’t stand to be separated. Now that doesn’t seem to be the case at all, and though they may be friendly, it’s likely that the members of the Company don’t care much whether Bilbo stays or goes.

Could Bilbo remain here knowing that what he feels for all of them is far deeper than what they feel for him?

Probably. And if that was the only obstacle here he likely would make a go of it.

But he couldn’t bear to see Thorin every day.

No, Bilbo’s heartbreak is too raw and deep. Seeing Thorin will only hurt him and likely tempt him with hope where there is none. Even if Thorin is so busy Bilbo didn’t see him every day, seeing him at all with the weight of what has passed between them in unthinkable.

Even though Bilbo wants to stay in Erebor he can’t. It would be too painful.

No, a clean break, that’s what he needs. The Shire and everything he’s ever known is still there waiting for him. It is a safe and familiar place, far away from here and any mentions of Men, Elves and Dwarves, of Dragons and treasure and quests. Bilbo had been content to live out the rest of his life there once, before this madness began. He’s sure that with time he will be again.

The uncertainty bothers him.

But he can’t stay. He pictures it and knows it’s impossible. He would see Thorin around every corner and it would be as if he was haunted. Everything here is a reminder of him.

No, even just to spite Thorin, Bilbo can’t remain. It wouldn’t be good for him.

His eyes well with tears again as he reaches the conclusion. Apparently he is not cried out as he’d thought.

Wrong again.

Bilbo sinks down to sit cross-legged and stare sightlessly at Dale below. And though he tries to plan out his next steps (he will have to gather his things, find somewhere else to sleep, perhaps with Bofur, and speak to Gandalf about possibly travelling together since the Wizard is leaving soon anyway), all of that will have to wait until his throat stops feeling as if it’s burning, his eyes clear enough for him to see, and he is once again able to think a full sentence.

Until then he sits outside alone and on the edge of Erebor.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave requests for more scenes you guys would like to see from Bilbo's POV. And as always anyone is welcome to come message me on Tumblr @Percyjacksonfan3 and talk to me there.


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